Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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