i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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