I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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