I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
