I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
