I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
