you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
whose ass print is on the piano?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
