Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
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