I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
