You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
