I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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