I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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