I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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