Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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