I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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