You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
