I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
