If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there's paper in my vomit.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
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