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We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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