just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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