I cannot find my penis.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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