Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
