She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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