i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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