she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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