***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
