my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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