she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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