I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
