remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
