sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
