Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
