omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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