Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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