I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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