The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
There's even glitter on my cock...
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