Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
