god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
we should paint friendship bongs
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