Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
