hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
