The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
