You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
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