I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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