The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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