Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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