my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
