theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
