Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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