Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
