i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
