I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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